May be my last words..

I am not sure , but this lines are may be last lines. I would not post any thing again, may be I would not be there to post. I am still dilemma. Once I used to think people who commit suicide, are the loser. I could not see any reason to commit suicide. But I could perfectly feel why people commit suicide. When it is hard to take every breath, when it is hard to live in world, when it is hard to prove your existence. He must succumb to death. Now I can feel it every moment. Battling with my mind ,what I would do ? Suicide is not the proper solution but living life, leading worthless existence not the correct answer either. May be people who commit suicide do not belong to the world. The selfish, emotionless world. Since my childhood I heard about unconditional love. But I never seen it, not from parent not from friends ... I don’t have any lover so never had it from that side too. Every time I saw love is blended with some meaning and some urge and need. Still we call it love, no I don’t think that is love, its just a affection with meaning with it. I feel like I belong to world that I have never seen and I would never get. The world I expect exists only in dream and story. There is no relation to practical life and I am living here in the present, expecting un expected thing. I could see any future and worthy present. Let see when I will come back again here or I will leave world forever. I know no one will read it, that is what I want. I don’t want any body to suffer for my death and I am sure no one will. They may be in grief for few days but after some days all memory will be erased and all my existence will be forgotten past. No one loves this much who will, readily die with his lover. Love is just for living being, not for the dead and not for the person already dead but still leading a life.

I want every parents to be like this....

Today monring nice thing happened. I was waiting for my friend at near by reliance mart. There was a couple sitting beside me with their little kid. I was not paying attention to them , just kept my eye on watch and the road.. thinking about my friend only. After sometime something attracted me, the little girl ;( really the girl was having face of angel).. so sweet and innocent ;started singing. It was not big deal every parents taught their kid some rhymes and small peom to recite. But this small girl was singing "jana gana mana ".....our national anthem. She could barely spell hard word still she sung whole song at once. I was amazed, how could she remeber this song , she can barely talk . I feel proud, still people out there having affection for nation and teaching new generation too. All the time I heard every people complaining about India's poverty , corruption..... no one teach their kid to sing"Jana gana Mana adhinayaka" rather than "twinkle twinle little star". May be this is the way we can lead our new generation, if we dont love our nation,our anthem who will pay respect to us... only we can make our naton proud. God blss those family and salute to those parents. That thing made my day and still thinking about lil cute girl. I could have record her , .... then my friend poped up.. and my waiting time ended...

Love is what I want.....

I know I am not “Kalpurush”, and I don’t want to be. I love this society, and I want to live in this time ,don’t want to be a person living in different time zone and different era. Every time I want to live normally, this society show me how unfit I am .I tired a lot, my heart aches and I scream inside. Why it’s always me to be failure. I never desire anything extraordinary , unnatural. I am just a human and I searching for pure love. I am searching for a person whom I can love from bottom of my heart, I can give whatever I have. All my feelings should be for him and all my emotions should be devoted for him. I don’t know what is love is, what its definition. I just know love is eternal and so divine. I want to feel it only once. It must be really nice feeling when u love some one so much and u get same from there. The feeling of being taken care by someone is really the true happiness I guess.There would be no desire after this. I always search this thing in every person I come across and I find the failure. Everyone says u have a good heart, u are good person. What is the meaning of being good, no one even care for your feelings,wish,desire. Whta I got from them are only hollow, meaningless empathy. I cry inside, I want to tell world how I am feeling, and I cant. I feel like,being stuck in cage and screaming for someone but everyone watching me from outside but no one bothers to listen. Some say I am emotional, some say I am practical some say I am simple. I don’t know what I am, what I know that I am alone and living in hollow lonely world.

Diwali and my experience

This year I have enjoyed the Diwali a lot. I had been Indore to my one the best friend Devansu, had a good time there with my friend circle. Thanks to Devansu for giving me such nice time during Diwali. We roamed a lot, still could not forget the evening. We just crossed small brick house... you can’t say it as house just set odd bricks. The one brick on another no cement nothing. Don’t know when it will fall down !!Still we can see two lamp (diya) at the door. I was amazed, how come they are celebrating. They don’t have surety of tomorrow, don’t know what will happen to them tomorrow. Don’t have money to spend flashy cracker, still they are celebrating Diwali. That scene stopped my heat for a moment, how touching scene. Then I realized happiness is not bound to money, big home, more relative. It is the way you spend time for celebration and enthusiasm for celebration. You can make your festival better if you have interest and have that feeling of celebration. Celebration is not just lightening thousand lamps and high noise crackers. See those people without house they still celebrating Diwali with new hope and new charm. That’s the way of celebration.. Salute them.

Loneliss taught me a new lesson

Till yesterday I think I am somebody in world. But now have to rethink about this. Am I worthy for someone? Does someone need me? I was alone, I am free still I could not do what I want. Still waiting for someone to come with me, be with me. Here in mechanical world no one will be there for you. You have to go alone; u should make your self so strong that nothing can weaken you .This can be achieved when you have a sure goal in life. I realized that I am destination less traveler.... I don’t know where I am going, just blindly following the broad way ahead. Sometime it is hard to find what is the real goal, real desire in life. What I want to be? Sometime we deceived by the goal of others and started thinking that should be our goal. but now I can say the real goal should be that what make us happy for whole life... not that what makes your livelihood and gives you luxurious life. Aimless life is like be in a dark room, with out any direction only hoping for thin ray of light to show your path. Come on , how long you can sit idle or wish a false hope to come true... it just like running behind a mirage. I ll start a new life with new charm and new aim. May those’s make me feel a pure human... may have to sacrifice some, but no regret....

Some words for me..

I am not a object
Dont rate me ...
I am not a culprit
Dont judge me...
I am not game
Dont play with me...
I am not useless
Dont ignore me...
I am simple person
Do care me..
I have deep emotion..
Do love me... ( Prabeen)

When I was in train..

Really it was strange feeling. Sometime I had this time of feeling but this time it was strong. I could realize what loneliness is? When I boarded to train there are 4 people already in that buggy. I just went there and sit quietly. Everyone was on phone talking to somebody. They are narrating about the day, about the travel. Suddenly I felt I am alone. Though I was surrounded by crowd, still I was alone. I realized this called Loneliness; Loneliness is not just state of absence of crowd or anybody. It is the urge, the feeling to have someone with you or for you. With whom u can share your feelings and thoughts. Person sitting alone far away from crowd may not be lonely. Some lines started ringing in my ears, hope you have heard it " Aur to sab kuchh theek hai lekin, achanak chalta phirta shehar tanha lagta hai". ( everything is fine with me, but sometime the whole pack city seems so lonely) Really It happens so suddenly. Strange feeling but inspired to write something.. I wrote some lines there in train..... People were watching me what the boy is doing.. :P

I think I have utilized my Independence day; Did you ?

Today I had been to a village, which is adopted by CSC . It is near by Hyderabad. We have social service group in CSC , Hyderabad. We all went there for Independence Day celebration with those poor littlie boys, who have never seen the parades, never marched with beats of drums. Still they have love country and celebrating Independence Day. We all reached there by 11 am; due to some problem we were late. But still all the small kids were waiting for us. I could see the excitement and happiness in their face when we reached. All managed to sit in line and put on their uniform. Their teacher might have asked to come in uniform. Though it was dirty, loose fitting and worn out still they wear those. That itches my heart, I was wondering how much a uniform cost.. If I don’t buy one jeans and T-shirt I can help 5 to 10 kids to have their uniform. Shame on me. We started distributing sweets. There was nice little girl she had the candy but could not open it. When I try to take it from her and help to open it, she started crying. She might have thought I was stealing her candy, so innocent and so cute. The best part was when we distributed copy and pen. You should have seen the brightness and excitement on their face. You can’t buy these happiness, It made my day. I was happy that I could do something to make people happy and Laugh. Hope you have also enjoyed the Day... Happy Independence Day and Proud to be an Indian.

Sorrow of tricolour

Tomorrow is Independence Day; we have completed 61 years of independence. We have seen lots of changes and yet to see lot. We will all celebrate our independence day and we should as Indian. Sometime this day makes me nostalgic, I recall my schooldays when I used to take part in parade, When we marched with the beats of dream, you can’t believe the true patriotic emotion spilled out from heart. But now I and most of my friends just spend the day like normal holiday. All the emotion and eagerness are gone. I still remember I polished my black shoes, brushed my belt and ironed my white dress and all other accessories we had to wear in parade. The real excitement was when we won trophy; it was like we won in battle. Why should not we be happy we practiced for a month?

Today while returning to home I could see an old man selling tri color flags, tiny paper flag. Small kids and school student are eagerly buying those from that man. Tri color seemed very happy, It furled twice as speed as normal. It is the time for Independence Day celebration. You can see every where our flag buses, trucks, roofs, cycles. But have you ever noticed what happened after august 15, lots of tiny flags are scattered here and there as garbage. No one ever cares to put it back on a high place. That is our love and respect for Nation? Every year I questioned my self are we true Indian, Do we love our nation. People from other country respect their national flags but here we just use for one day then we never care. When all these flags will get respect and love from us as true Indian, that day no one can stop to be a great nation.

Autograph of Dream

Sorry Friends cant translte it in English,
I couldnot find words in eglish to reflect the true emotion... :(

Some wishes spilled out from heart

When the golden sunlight
Kisses my face through the window
All the darkness of night
Erased by the bright sunshine
I wish I could walk away
On the green grass carpet …..Away far away
Leaving behind the hill, wood, city
More and more forward
Towards the sea
Swinging on the bed of sea
Up ward and down ward with new ripples
I wish I could find an island
Filled with happiness, love
Everywhere echoed with
Twittering sound of birds
Everywhere it is green and fresh
And I am walking on the cold dew drops
My bare foot can feel
The rhythm of cool wind with grass
Slowly all the blues and sadness
Are washed out….
My mind will be open for
New happiness and bliss
But then I come back to this
Cruel mechanical world
Where you have to pursuit
The happiness forever and ever
No one knows when the chase will end
But everyone running after it
I am still searching my dream world
I am hanging in dream and reality
I stretch my hand to grab it
But nothing only loneliness and hollow
I afraid I bring back my hand
When I open it I find ashes of truth
What I will do I don’t know
I can’t bind my mind forever
It always wants to fly out there
It wants to fly out beyond horizon
I know nothing like my dream
There exist
But it brings color, coolness, rest
From the colorless, tasteless world
Thank you my dream thank you
I will never ever survive without you
Fly and fly beyond the odd world
Bring me glee, excitement
I am always waiting for you here
I am desperately wanting you…. here