Weekend.. colored my file

Today it was quite a journey. A journey that started from the mind to the soul, by the means of heart touched every part of my life. When I  watched the sun rise, I did not realize that my day would turn upside-down.

Now days I have nothing else to do but brood over my life, my work and my past. After brooding so much about nothing, I got bored and wanted to do something nice. I hit Google map to track down places that are within the arms of the nature. I found one lake on the out skirts of the city in which I reside and decided to travel there to click & capture nature. While I was riding, one truck happened to pass by and other than those few blind girls hanging out there, on the truck, there was nothing special about it. The girls in the school uniform looked so happy while singing some telugu song that I was not aware of. I assume that they could be going to the school for some competition or a meeting. Looking at them really made me smile. A guy with the camera was capturing some colors of their world and there were these bunch of blind girls who didn’t know what colors were. They would never know how bright the color red is and how peaceful white was, in fact they wouldn’t even know the color of their uniform. Still they were singing and laughing and enjoying everything that the dark life had to offer. I realized one thing that day that it’s not God or a spiritual guru who will help us all to get a good life but it’s with us to make life colorful and to enjoy it to the hilt. We could still be happy with what colors we have. Just stretch your hand and touch the life and you will sure find some color at your figure tip. The real life is all about saving these colors of life which have come your way so that whenever you’ll see your past you will be able to say ”Oh what colorful life I had”.

Its 9.30pm on a Saturday night and I have finished doing all my chores. Wishing to add new colors to my life, I desired to go to the pub for few drinks and dance. Draping myself with branded stuff i.e. innerwear to the shoes. In another 30 minute I was there at the one and only exclusive gay pub in Hyderabad. You can see all the known faces with whom you have chatted that you have blocked, the guys you wanted to be with in short Everyone was there. I stepped in and the DJ there started playing my favorite “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga. I looked across the bar and found a perfect corner spot and suited my self there. After few drinks, I was dancing alone and observing few couples around me. The tight jeans, the canvas shoes, the leather bracelet, gelled hair, glittering ear rings, etc. Suddenly amidst the same conventional crowd I came across a guy I liked and who . I don’t know why but whenever I meet him I feel the butterfly effect within my stomach. We don’t have many things in common and he does not have any feeling for me but I couldn’t stop myself from being with him. We were dancing, but soon I observed one thing that his eyes never stopped checking out others & there I was looking at him hoping that he would look at me once.

It struck me that I can’t have him & not just him but everything that I desire. Sometimes you have to let things go. You should be satisfied with what you have. I left him there & started dancing amidst the company of soul. When my eyes went on this guy I saw that this guy hurriedly started searching for a new partner. I saw other guys randomly kissing other men, guys sitting at corner with bunch of friends and laughing, guys trying to be the centre of attraction by showing new moves, guys drunk like hell and didn’t know what they are doing. Suddenly I felt like whole bar became a novel and everyone the characters within that novel. A writer creates and narrates character. He never falls in love with them. Because he is the only one who knows they are not real and they are not going to be true.

My life... my words

Is it our decision to be or not to be alone? I wonder why in the world one would want to die alone. I know that in deep corner of our hearts we all desperately want somebody to walk into our lives gracefully and stay there for ever through bad or good. He may be a hunk or a dashing prince charming maybe a shy guy sitting in one corner of the party. Few lucky have managed to find them & few have also compromised with what they got. But what bothers me is the thought of those unlucky few who could never get that special one. I was watching a song by Ketty Pery, “fireworks”, and found this song to be really inspirational for all those poor guys who are on the quest to find their soul mate. “You need to ignite the light and you need to show the world your spark. Because you are original and cannot be replaced” & no exhilarated feelings of mine could express my feelings towards it.

Now the question is about how to find “The One?. Do we have to have a special sight to see him or recognize him? How can one be sure about him being the one, are there any signs or signals to notice him ? But the fact is that no one knows the answer to the question.

How big a lover in him would be, it is still a difficult to say exactly what it is like & how it would be like. But as it is always said that you got to be there to realize the love passing by you so that you are capable to catch it. Sometimes we need to change our self a bit. Being an introvert and shy will not help us by any means other than feeling drowned & being lonely heart. I am not saying being gay is to lead a colorful life, but not everything in this world is black or white. We need to embrace the change and put ourselves in places where we lack. Everybody has to find a way to communicate. Without communication no prince charming will realize your existence.

Sometime I am afraid to think about what if there is no one waiting. What if there is no body made for you. But then deep inside someone suddenly screams and says that “it is not always that there are sorrows there but happiness too”. Though we know one day we all will die still we don’t forget to enjoy life. Hope is the greatest strength of life and high dream will lead you to beautiful reality. I wish and pray for all the souls to find their soul mate. No single soul will be lonely and grieving. What we need is pinch of hope and spoon of happiness. Are not gays meant to be happy ….. What bigger thing god can gift us…. making us individuals and giving us life…….

My last words to my friends

I know

When I leave the world

There would be some eyes become moist

There would be much tears dropped

There might be some heart skipped to beat for moment

There might be some smiles vanish from faces

I also know

I would not be the reason for sorrow for long

I would be not be missed forever

I would be thin memory lost in past

I would be tale ceased in time line

One day I would be a forgotten memory beneath ashes of past..

I don’t hope

You will remember me for ever

I will be missing part in your life till death

I am sure

I want all of you be there

If there will be another life….

*******************************************************

Do not remember me as coward

Do not remember as weak  

I am the soldier who fought the battle with life

I fought until my last strength

Now its time to surrender

Time is almighty.... and Life always has to end..

Me.....

"It is easy to mend the broken but when something shatters, its impossible to bring it back" & I took exactly twenty-five years, to realize this, from the day I was born.

Life is anything but a fairy tale & if you want to live in a fairy tale you have to look like a fairy & at least in this world that I live in, looks do matter more than the heart.Sometimes it doesn't matter how deep you could be hurt or how far it can disappoint you & at times it also seems like love, desire, affection, hope are just anornamental words which can be used to dazzle your prose & poetry but they rarely seem to exist in the real world.

Sometimes living in a world like this seems worthless but what still makes me live is when I look around & I find small instances of happiness like a small bush that blossoms on the road side, which faces the rude weather, & the people's stampede, still this small plant never seizes to grow and spread its beauty & it makes me smile. Whenever I see a little kid running across the road worrying about the load of his school bag on his back & still playing around with kids, I feel like innocencestill exists in this world. It reminds me of my childhood, when we never categorized people by their money or religion & played all day on the streets. I miss those days where we rode bicycles to far-off mango-farms just to steal mangoes from the trees & no matter how sour they were, they tasted divine. Times have changed and so have people, & I'm caged in a concrete box with a fake smile and sparkling clothes but no fun.

Sometime I doubt about myself being a queer. Just like other I too love parties ,dancing and clubbing but pub is not a place for me to randomly kiss good looking guys or to find a date for a hook-up. What actually makes my day is observing couples smitten by love, sitting in one corner of the pub, enjoying their drinks together with whispering to each-other,laughing & hugging. It seems like they are lost in their own world & care a damn about this world. Its then that I realized that happiness does not only comes when you have got something that you have desired but also when you have experienced that what you have desired & achieved is not hypothetical to what you have and wished for, in this world.

Claustrophobia of LOVE

I heard about a disease claustrophobia. This is a kind of disease where person feels uncomfortable when he is in enclosed area. It does not matter how much personal space he is getting , he just feels he is going to faint or die. I never believed such kind of thing can happen to a person, this just theory there is no truth in it.

But since last 7 months I realized this is true. Yes there is stage where you may be getting all the things in your life still you feel that is not right. The place, persons around you, what you are doing nothing is right. You feel like running out of air and want to run away from there to a place where every thing is greener and where greenery stays. You want to gasp as much air as you can. You can have your life back with him. When you realize that be sure that you are in love. With out him you will feel everything enclosed and colorless. Nothing will charm you and nothing will bring happiness than him. That is claustrophobia of love. I felt that when I was there in Columbia. I was dying everyday still I want to live. Because I know this will be over soon and I will be with him.

The day has come and I was so happy. When I saw him it was like gasping air ..with full throttle. I inhaled with my heart full of feeling and love. He claims him-self to be mainly but he is cute. He is cute enough to beat a baby boy. I tried to hug him but he felt uncomfortable and I could understand. I laughed .The moment I was waiting for months and it is already here. I tried to tell everything, every single thing I felt. Every single night and every single lonely dusk I spent. Alas my mouth was sealed. I know I can never express anything, but I feel enriched that I have such feelings for him and that overwhelms me every time. I was so relaxed this is going to be like this forever.

Now he is leaving. Leaving me behind, I know I will be used to the life without him.I can live and I have to. Its like going back to life I lived for 6 months. Every day every night I spent counting. The person in lift knows he will not die still he don’t want to stay there for ever. He just counts floors to reach his destination. I am not sure how this life will be, one thing I m sure office will not be the same . The only thing attracts me to office is now leaving. I am trying hard to bring some changes in my life, hope God will help me and will get some change. That will bring some peace to my life.

I never thought “good Bye” will the hardest thing to say…… After good bye also life goes on……

when you will come....

I know when we will meet

Flowers may not blossom
Spring may not have arrived
There may not be full moon night
Neither sun shine will be mild
There may not be cool breeze

But I am sure one thing
My heart will be racing in side me
My ear will be ringing with music
My breath will be rising
My feet will be dancing
My eye will be sparkling with love....

One day...

One day
I will be worthy for some one
One day
I will be smile on a face
Will be hope for one heart
One day
some eye will eagerly search for me when I will be late
One day
One eye will be smoky, when I will not be around
One day
I will live as dream on one eye lids
One day
I will be fragrance of some one's respire
One day
I will be awaiting hug for someone stretched arm
One day
I will reside as love in some one's heart
I will warmth of his thought
I will be inspiration for his creativity
I will be missed like hell
And One day
I will be the long stare of sky..
I will be the sparkle of unknowingly flowing tears...
While I will be beaming star in sky…

Fragile

Whenever I see around
I see everything fragile…
How fragile the trust is
A small stone of doubt can break down whole wall of trust
The love can be sacred lake
But a small drop of hate can spread impurity all over
Oh no how fragile is our dream
Always on verge of a blink of eye lid
I have never seen more vulnerable thing than heart
Every hard emotion can shatter it in thousand pieces
I heard strong bond of relation in stories
When I look around I can see only nuts on the thread of relationship
I know our life is also fragile
Small blow of death can take it all away..
Now I understand we human are fragile
But all try to define our own of strength in this world of weakness
I think that is called life and we all have to carry it on to un-breakable death.