Love is eternal

Today, again another normal day for my life. I woke up, got ready and left for office .Hyderabad traffic is very uneven ,un controlled and unruly. You can expect traffic from every direction except from up and down of course. I don’t think this is problem of Hyderabad, this is the problem of whole India, all the metro and city I travelled, I came across same situation. When I first had my bike, I was afraid how can I get through these traffic. I always tried to get rid of traffic and try to get space from the crowd. So every now and then I got irritated. Now I realized, it not going to over so now I became part of crowd and traffic. Now I can drive freely and smoothly with out any complain. Sometime we don’t ignore many beautiful though which are going on side walk while we are controlling our vehicle. Today, I noticed something that touched me. It might be small and general thing but it compelled me to think, and more over it made my day and put smile on my face .
I saw a couple, on their late fifties or early sixties. It seemed like they both were going to their office. The old man stopped his vehicle at the side of road and the woman got down from vehicle. Then the old man asked her to cross the street, so that she could reach her office which was on other side of the busy road. First she hesitated, she tried to step forward and then she moved back. Then the old man held her hand and led her to other side of road and came back. One should see the satisfaction on his face, the mild brightness of assurance of everything going to be fine now. I was amazed and touched. I realized one thing love does exist, though you feel it or not. I can say love not just a feeling which pops up every now and then when you see something, Love is not an emotion either which gushes in your heart for time being and dies. Love is like your eye, your limb it stays with you and leaves the world with you. It never dies when you are alive. It is as eternal as you and as mortal as you.

Today I realized...I didnt want to die.I was just passing through a phase of stress, one of my straight friend who know me who I am told me that. I was thinking ,really!!!, I was passing through a phase, was that phase ?? And it is over now. I wanted to believe him, butI could not. Being lonely is not a phase and not finding love in life not a phase at all.May be it is my fate that my life is still empty and unfulfilled.One of my chat friend suggest me to engage myself in other hobbies. I tried that, but till when, up to some extent I can feel I am engaged and ultimately loneliness will hunt me again. I was putting colours to my drawing,for one hour I was enjoing then my enthusiasm started fading.In deep corner in my mindI was wishing, if there could be my love watching my drawing, talking to me and admiring me.Suddenly I felt I was just trying lure myself, making fool of myself. Sometime I felt alone in whole crowd of disco, in pub.The emptiness keeps hunting me. Whenever I wanted to do something, deep inside I wish I could be with someone I love. I always imagine how those moments would be, in melting someone's lap,giving your soulder to some to lean on and hold his hand. I was passing through hussian sagar lake , the hyderabad skyline was in front of me.Again I went back to fantacy, I was dreaming about a open terrace, where I was seating and my love was keeping his head in my lap. I was playing with his hairs and we were looking busy road, high rise and talking an kissing. Is not that romatic? I wish all of my dream could come true. Alas I know it would not happen.... Still I want to live. When I see two happy couple in public, one happy boy running in park , small girl going to school with oversized bag... a hope pops in my heart... may be some where.. may be some one.....out there...

May be my last words..

I am not sure , but this lines are may be last lines. I would not post any thing again, may be I would not be there to post. I am still dilemma. Once I used to think people who commit suicide, are the loser. I could not see any reason to commit suicide. But I could perfectly feel why people commit suicide. When it is hard to take every breath, when it is hard to live in world, when it is hard to prove your existence. He must succumb to death. Now I can feel it every moment. Battling with my mind ,what I would do ? Suicide is not the proper solution but living life, leading worthless existence not the correct answer either. May be people who commit suicide do not belong to the world. The selfish, emotionless world. Since my childhood I heard about unconditional love. But I never seen it, not from parent not from friends ... I don’t have any lover so never had it from that side too. Every time I saw love is blended with some meaning and some urge and need. Still we call it love, no I don’t think that is love, its just a affection with meaning with it. I feel like I belong to world that I have never seen and I would never get. The world I expect exists only in dream and story. There is no relation to practical life and I am living here in the present, expecting un expected thing. I could see any future and worthy present. Let see when I will come back again here or I will leave world forever. I know no one will read it, that is what I want. I don’t want any body to suffer for my death and I am sure no one will. They may be in grief for few days but after some days all memory will be erased and all my existence will be forgotten past. No one loves this much who will, readily die with his lover. Love is just for living being, not for the dead and not for the person already dead but still leading a life.

I want every parents to be like this....

Today monring nice thing happened. I was waiting for my friend at near by reliance mart. There was a couple sitting beside me with their little kid. I was not paying attention to them , just kept my eye on watch and the road.. thinking about my friend only. After sometime something attracted me, the little girl ;( really the girl was having face of angel).. so sweet and innocent ;started singing. It was not big deal every parents taught their kid some rhymes and small peom to recite. But this small girl was singing "jana gana mana ".....our national anthem. She could barely spell hard word still she sung whole song at once. I was amazed, how could she remeber this song , she can barely talk . I feel proud, still people out there having affection for nation and teaching new generation too. All the time I heard every people complaining about India's poverty , corruption..... no one teach their kid to sing"Jana gana Mana adhinayaka" rather than "twinkle twinle little star". May be this is the way we can lead our new generation, if we dont love our nation,our anthem who will pay respect to us... only we can make our naton proud. God blss those family and salute to those parents. That thing made my day and still thinking about lil cute girl. I could have record her , .... then my friend poped up.. and my waiting time ended...

Love is what I want.....

I know I am not “Kalpurush”, and I don’t want to be. I love this society, and I want to live in this time ,don’t want to be a person living in different time zone and different era. Every time I want to live normally, this society show me how unfit I am .I tired a lot, my heart aches and I scream inside. Why it’s always me to be failure. I never desire anything extraordinary , unnatural. I am just a human and I searching for pure love. I am searching for a person whom I can love from bottom of my heart, I can give whatever I have. All my feelings should be for him and all my emotions should be devoted for him. I don’t know what is love is, what its definition. I just know love is eternal and so divine. I want to feel it only once. It must be really nice feeling when u love some one so much and u get same from there. The feeling of being taken care by someone is really the true happiness I guess.There would be no desire after this. I always search this thing in every person I come across and I find the failure. Everyone says u have a good heart, u are good person. What is the meaning of being good, no one even care for your feelings,wish,desire. Whta I got from them are only hollow, meaningless empathy. I cry inside, I want to tell world how I am feeling, and I cant. I feel like,being stuck in cage and screaming for someone but everyone watching me from outside but no one bothers to listen. Some say I am emotional, some say I am practical some say I am simple. I don’t know what I am, what I know that I am alone and living in hollow lonely world.